Monday thoughts #8: self as a safe place

12/08/24: "I just needed one empathetic response!" (can you give yourself one?)

Song name idea: it’s me now, forever

I am never getting totally entangled in anyone else ever again, it’s me now forever. I saw a funny tiktok that said, “life is for being creative, and boys are for cuddling, sometimes” and I think I’ll live by that from now on. the longest relationship we have in life is with ourselves

thunderstorms in parks! I recorded it, and wrote. for the first time in a while. put myself in a character. for no reason. moments of creativity with no gain, floating out in space. I haven’t been looking into eternity recently; I did too much of that last year. I’ve been looking at real life, really living, really being here. on the ground, now. laughing at messages from men with motorbikes. laughing about owls, listening to naked men jump in lakes while my best friend freaks out. and then a wasp was under my bedsheets, and she tried to get it for me so i didn’t sleep under just a blanket. bzzz.

it feels so good to not be “Catrin Vincent from Another Sky” right now. I am just catrin. lower case c.

so - the thunderstorm in the park - before lightning struck, a park ranger came up to me, Laurentz, emphasis on the z, and do you know what he said? he said, “I always walk up to guitarists in this park” then proceeded to name every chord I played. smart brain.

here is the thunderstorm, I sat in the middle of the field recording it until I realised that was the worst idea:

“loving things, but not at the expense of yourself”

“it’s easier to stay in the dysfunction”

I angered and upset everyone two weeks ago and finally put myself first, and my body feels very, very light. it was hard, but it was right. body as your only safe space when there isn’t one in the physical world…

I could not have stayed there, in the dysfunction.

I wrote something to calm myself through the chaos. I wrote, “I just needed one empathetic response!”…then wrote, “okay, I can give myself one. it can come from me”.

a friend in a field said to me, “forming, storming, norming, performing, and adjourning” about group dynamics. Tuckman’s stages of group development. I’m riding the storm right now, and that’s alright.

I think being an adult is accepting other people will be upset when you ask for what you need, and you still absolutely should. and everyone is an adult and responsible for their emotions. “it’s safe and healthy to disappoint people”, I read on twitter recently. “disappointing others is a natural part of relationships. adults are capable of being disappointed'“

iphone notes:

everyone has their side
but the only path I can walk is mine

anyway - another sky are on tv tomorrow, something about the cricket. big deal apparently? then I’m at greenman (not performing), but do message if you’re there too, and want to say hi

producing a friend’s beautiful EP, doing music for an epic short film, finishing the solo album, getting back into teaching music in September. putting snippets of songs on tiktok and instagram, if you’re into it. trying !!!

yes i am writing this like a 2013 tumblr post

anyway, I’ll leave you with an image from twitter I enjoyed a lot: