"joy is the justice we give ourselves"
12/05/25
Blue Bucket Of Gold is a free weekly newsletter from me, the musician Catrin Vincent. If you pay, I also offer long-form content, like interviews with your favourite artists, new music and songwriting prompts. This newsletter is a passion project; a deep-dive into the human psyche from someone whose life was transformed by discovering how art can heal. It started as a way to digest my favourite music, then turned into a vehicle for change, a beautiful way to understand myself and the world through writing. Please feel free to share and support in any way you can. Thank you for reading.
Hello dear reader.
‘In the Buddhist Tradition, Ego Death is gaining a sense of self that feels pure, true, intentional rather than one tied up in programming and unconscious decisions.’
I am grateful for yet another ego death, despite it feeling unfathomably painful. And as I recalibrate my life to find more peace, I want to gently share some reflections and realisations from the depths of that pain:
We all play the ‘drama triangle’ - persecutor, persecuted and rescuer. Villain, victim and hero.
In reality, there are infinite perspectives on every situation, and everyone is entitled to how they feel.
It is how we act that causes friction.
Everyone thinks they are justified, and are doing the ‘right’ thing.
You cannot change the past. You can only take lessons moving forwards.
You have to carry on despite no apology. You might never get one.
You also have to carry on despite being the villain in others’ stories, and forgive yourself for that, too.
Everyone is an unconscious mirror, and everything you find difficult in others, you most likely find difficult in yourself.
Anyone is worthy of joy and healing, no matter their history and past wrongs, even the villains in your story; even you, as the villain in another’s.
So if you can imagine joy for them, you are ultimately imagining it for yourself, too.
Forgiveness does not permit anyone’s unchanged behaviour - it merely releases you from bitterness, and still being tied to the trauma.
Try and make amends where you can, but accept you have no control over whether someone is in a position to accept these attempts.
When things feel totally overwhelming, try and tune into the birds in the trees, and animals. They are very present, and in the moment.
Conflict is completely inevitable and unavoidable, even with the people we love most in the world.
In fact, especially with the people we love most in the world. The closer you are, the more likely friction is.
The more you face conflict’s inevitability, the better and more peaceful you’ll become during it.
I’ve been reading ‘the courage to be disliked’:
“Oh, but being alone isn’t what makes you feel lonely. Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them. To feel lonely, we need other people. That is to say, it is only in social contexts that a person becomes an ‘individual’”.
And I listened to a great poem during a night-time drive as part of the on being podcast;
Joy is a heart still beating
even though
what could have been—
wasn’t.
Wishing you all a beautiful May. I’ll be back with more music news, soon. The cogs are turning.
C x